I had my second baby shower this past weekend and it was wonderful. So many people came to celebrate Keira and show their love and support to me. The first one (back home) was much the same. Tons of gifts to start her (and us!) off but the love and support can't be described :) My friend, Ashlee, wrote this absolutely beautiful poem in remembrance of Tyler and wrote it on a decorative plate for us. I had to read it to myself before reading it out loud because I knew I'd cry if I didn't! Thankfully, I was able to hold it together during the shower :) So thoughtful and I really needed it that day. It was hard accepting so many gifts and celebrating Keira. Not that in itself, I guess...that was easy because she IS a blessing and SHOULD be celebrated. It was just hard to keep the "what could have been" thoughts at bay. Tyler was my first and it's more traditional or customary to only have a shower for your first. It's overwhelming to have the excitement for her and the sadness for Tyler at the same time. So I needed him to be acknowledged that day, especially there because so many of the guests at that shower have been 2+ hours away through this whole process. They didn't physically SEE me grieving or SEE me pregnant (or if they did, only a few times) and I always felt like Tyler was less real to them. Not saying anything about THEM because they're my friends and I know they love and care about me. It was just one of those things that I thought too much about and let myself create ideas that had no merit.
Second blog in one day...what has come over me?!?! I had my second baby shower this past weekend and it was wonderful. So many people came to celebrate Keira and show their love and support to me. The first one (back home) was much the same. Tons of gifts to start her (and us!) off but the love and support can't be described :) My friend, Ashlee, wrote this absolutely beautiful poem in remembrance of Tyler and wrote it on a decorative plate for us. I had to read it to myself before reading it out loud because I knew I'd cry if I didn't! Thankfully, I was able to hold it together during the shower :) So thoughtful and I really needed it that day. It was hard accepting so many gifts and celebrating Keira. Not that in itself, I guess...that was easy because she IS a blessing and SHOULD be celebrated. It was just hard to keep the "what could have been" thoughts at bay. Tyler was my first and it's more traditional or customary to only have a shower for your first. It's overwhelming to have the excitement for her and the sadness for Tyler at the same time. So I needed him to be acknowledged that day, especially there because so many of the guests at that shower have been 2+ hours away through this whole process. They didn't physically SEE me grieving or SEE me pregnant (or if they did, only a few times) and I always felt like Tyler was less real to them. Not saying anything about THEM because they're my friends and I know they love and care about me. It was just one of those things that I thought too much about and let myself create ideas that had no merit. That was all about the first shower...the one from last weekend...was actually much of the same! My friend who had it for me, the decorating queen, Katy, used bright colors and had it in her home so it was very cozy and comfortable. While looking for diaper bags, I realized that I am pickier than I thought I was. Has anyone tried looking for diaper bags lately? Yuck! They're all cheap and ugly! Or if they're actually pretty, they cost an arm and a leg. It's just an organized, glorified tote bag...why the hassle? So, I decided that I wanted to make my own but had no idea how to go about doing it. As I was telling a friend about it, she informed me that's been sewing for YEARS and it would be no big deal for her to make it for me! As appealing as the offer was, I kind of had it in my head that I wanted to make it myself but would gladly welcome the guidance (okay, flat-out direction!) of an experienced sewer. We decided to get together whenever possible and work on it. Turns out, she's more of a quilter and has made beautiful quilts for herself and other people...it's really her passion in sewing...and she's damn good at it. Little did I know, this sneaky little devil (with a halo) had a little rainbow surprise up her sleeve for ME! At the shower, I opened her card and there was a quote inside it that said, "The beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope." As I was reading it, she said, "The quote goes with the gift." Hmmm... I go on to open the gift and it is the most beautiful quilt with rainbow colored squares (in order of Roy G. Biv!) on one side, heart stitching detail, and pink floral print on the other with a little patch titled "After The Storm". I thought I'd do the same trick as I did with the plate at the other shower...I'd read it to myself first, then I wouldn't cry in front of everyone. I was WRONG. I don't know if I even finished the "After The Storm" part before I lost it, but really, at that point it didn't matter. Everyone in that room knew how much it meant to me and I'm pretty sure everyone was crying along with me. I'm in tears now just writing about it. I have no idea how she snuck this by me and it must have taken her and her daughter MONTHS to put this together! Absolutely amazing :)
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I am emotionally exhausted after looking back on my post on the holidays, but I'm glad I read it. That post probably should have been in my private blog because I'm a little embarrassed at how angry I was. BUT...it was honest and I'm all about honesty in this process. And really, how quickly did I come back with a not-so-negative post? Maybe getting my anger out in the open like that is more healing than I thought. And really, the last post about the Potter's mom was really emotional, too. I literally cried all day long because I was just emotional that day. It was a different kind of emotional, though. Not so angry. Some of her posts are sad, some angry, some bitter, but she's generally peaceful and accepting of her position. I would hope that I could be that same way given the circumstance. I won't sit here and try to imagine what it's like to be her because I simply can't. A very important lesson I've learned in this process: NEVER think you know what you would do in a situation unless you've been there and had to make that decision. I've probably said it before, but I'm pro-life (obviously). To be fair, it was a lot easier to be pro-life before all of this was thrown directly into my unsuspecting face. "I would do this..." or "I could never do that..." Unless you've walked the walk, you can't talk the talk.
There was a person on Babycenter a few months (or maybe only a month) ago who was told her baby had some soft markers for Down's then later was told they were wrong and the baby was completely fine. So she had a little scare, but continued her pregnancy in ignorant bliss. When her baby was born, it indeed did have Down's Syndrome. She never made a decision to carry her baby to term or not to...during the follow-up for confirmation appointment, she was told her baby was healthy. She went to the Termination for Medical Reason board and blasted all of those women for "killing their babies" and blah blah blah. Then she came over to the Carrying to Term Despite Fatal Diagnosis board and posted about how glad she was that she had this beautiful Down's baby and how this baby has been the light of her life. No need to come to the CTT group, she's preaching to the choir...WE ALL CARRIED TO TERM. But to go to the TMR board and blast those women for their choice...absolutely unacceptable. She was totally one of those "talk the talk" people who never "walked the walk". She had never been in that situation (OBVIOUSLY). Even if she had known her baby had Down's, she still didn't have a right to say that because not every person on the TMR or CTT boards had a DS diagnosis. I sure didn't. My baby had NO chance of survival. I WISH Tyler had had Down's! Okay, I'm kind of rambling but my point is, you can never imagine what it's like to have to make that decision unless you are directly faced with it. Which leads me to my next subject... I recently was told that a couple I know just found out their little one has Spina Bifida. I won't go into detail to protect their privacy, but I do want to touch on it. My heart absolutely breaks for them. Yes, the baby would survive, but there is also some grieving for the healthy child you hoped for. I can understand that feeling because I felt that way before we got Tyler's fatal diagnosis. I had done just a little google research and when I saw that the baby could have kidney "problems", it was heart breaking to have the picture of my perfectly healthy baby shattered. Having been through actually losing my baby, I don't know how I would feel. I struggled during counseling with what "should" have happened and the way things "should" be. But the counseling made me realize that I only thought that because that's what I wanted. Just because I wanted it doesn't mean that's the way it should be. So at this point, a part of me does feel "entitled" to have a healthy baby. After all, I lost my first, don't I deserve a rainbow after my storm? A very close friend asked me yesterday, while I was telling her about this couple, what I would do (it wasn't out of line for her to ask...she could ask me ANYTHING, she's very privileged haha) if I was them - carry to term or terminate. That's what got me thinking about this whole idea of people who have never directly faced this, saying what they "would do" given a situation. I told my friend that I really couldn't say because I wasn't in their situation. I definitely have a fear of people feeling judged by me. Termination is much more common in our society than we'd like to think and I don't want people who have terminated to feel judged. I may have been judgmental in the beginning (I think it's a defense mechanism of grief, but who knows) but I definitely don't feel that way now. I really just feel like you have to make the best decision for your family and for what you can live with. I read a story on a website called A Heartbreaking Decision or A Heartbreaking Choice (something like that) shortly after Tyler's diagnosis all about women who terminated for medical reasons. One story ended with the woman saying, "On the way to the hospital for induction, I just cried and held my belly and told my baby how much I loved it and how sorry I was." That was pretty much IT for me. I wasn't going to tell my baby that I was sorry...I wasn't going to be sorry. That little sentence TERRIFIED me and really pushed me over the edge on deciding to CTT. Right after that website, I went to my friend, Meghan's, blog and read all about her Potter's angel that was born 3 days before we got Tyler's diagnosis. It was the most beautiful, peaceful story so full of love and appreciation. THAT'S what I wanted for my baby. I wanted him to be in a room full of people who loved him from the moment they knew he existed (even if he was only the size of a pea at that point!) when he was born. I couldn't live the rest of my life feeling like I had to apologize to my baby for ending his life sooner than he and God were ready. Having said ALL of that, I would like to think that I would have no problem carrying a baby with Spina Bifida because there is the hope of bringing that blessing home which is something I never got the privilege of with Tyler. But again, I've never been there and I sure as hell wouldn't judge someone who is there. I have recently come in contact with another momma who had her Potter's baby almost 8 years ago. She joined my Potter's group on Babycenter because she is currently carrying to term her second baby with Potter's. SECOND. After her first angel, Wyatt, she and her husband went on to have 3 healthy girls and were looking forward to completing their family with one more. At her 19 week ultrasound, it was discovered that this baby also had classic Potter's Syndrome, Bilateral Renal Agenesis...same as Tyler. They were also told with Wyatt that it was a fluke. They had genetic testing to see if it was a chromosomal issue, both of mom's kidneys were checked, his cord blood was tested...nothing abnormal. So here she is, 8 years and 3 rainbows later, back to carrying a child knowing he or she would not be coming home with them. She started a blog after this baby was diagnosed and I just caught up on it today (she's been blogging nearly every day since the beginning of December). One of her blogs posts from January was the same title as this one. Coincidentally, I was texting a friend while reading the blogs. As I got to this particular post, my friend said, "...I would have been scared to get pregnant again." I responded by telling her that I absolutely was scared. Terrified actually. But after the deep pain, the rawness of my grief started to subside, I remembered the happiness, love and pride I felt while holding my first born. For awhile after he was born, I didn't cry. Just didn't have the urge to. I became a mommy and my baby was there in front of me crying and breathing. I knew that wouldn't last long, I knew he was going to die. I knew his breathing would slow, his body would slowly get colder and his heart would stop beating...but it didn't matter. In that moment, God had blessed me with the most beautiful human I had ever seen and showed me a love I had never felt, never even knew existed. As much as it still hurts to miss him, I love him just as much as I did in those moments following his birth (maybe even more...is that possible?). So even though it was hard being asked about the pregnancy and baby several times a day, feeling those bittersweet kicks and hiccups all day, the pain of the baby sitting directly on my aching hips and the heavy heart...I would do it all again in a heartbeat if I could just have another hour with that little boy. It was all worth it. I know I've said that a hundred times, but I can't stress it enough. The hardest part of that hospital stay was letting him go, knowing I'd never see my baby again. There are no words to describe the overwhelming emotional pain of carrying a child that you know will die, just as there are no words describing the love a mother has for her child/children. And there are no words to describe what it's like to say goodbye...forever.
So to answer the question of why carry a child who won't survive?...Well, it just can't be described. |
Brittany ClarkI'm blogging in hopes of reaching out to other parents who have to face the most heartbreaking experience in life. Archives
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